As per usual, I found it very hard to motivate myself during Christmas and the New Year but now, I’m back! Apologies for the procrastination, it’s just that I am so darn good at it. This week in College we have been discussing revised editions of literary work. It got me thinking about an article I wrote awhile back for my college newspaper. So here it is, revised and all. Hope you enjoy! Also, I promise to post another blog very soon and this one shall be very new!
Ode to the buses.
(Written by a grumpy college student)
As college slowly starts to meander its way through the hills and valleys of what is the student timetable, (it’s wedged in there between the pub and bed) most of us find ourselves desperately searching for modes of transportation. Like Gazelles returning to last years watering hole we seek out the fastest and best routes to Cork. The bus is none of those things. Sure gazelles leap through croc-infested waters but at least they get to there destinations quicker. However, the bus, unlike being a gazelle, is at least a safer way to travel.
You can compare a bus journey to a night in the cells; most of us have been there, stuck for numerous hours in confined conditions and having to converse with, let’s face it some very strange characters. Or is that just me? It’s an experience, that’ll make you stronger, or grind your self-worth down to a tiny speck of dust. Regardless, it’s your own fault, for not owning a car and for not living in Cork.
Of course most of you already know this and call me a condescending fool, but what this article is going to do, it tell you about the interesting aspects of the bus journey you can look forward too. I’ll throw in some tips to help make the journey slightly more bearable, but only if you’re good.
Now, how do I know everything there is to know about buses? Well I am a qualified bus driver. And by ‘qualified bus driver’ I mean that I have taken a bus from Waterford to Cork on several occasions. I’ve been getting buses since I was 12, you guys, and I’m an expert. I’ve had ham sandwiches thrown at me on buses. I’ve fallen down the aisle. I’ve seen kids try to light seats on fire! This one time the road was blocked and the bus was egged. I’ve laughed, I’ve cried. The places I’ve seen! The people I’ve met! The sarcasm I’ve lovingly nurtured, just to write this article. So as George Michael says, have a little faith.
Let’s get started!
1.) Air Conditioning. Perhaps the most important feature ever invented for vehicles. Am I hyping it up too much? Probably. Will you be bitterly disappointed when you realise that on most buses that you happen to find yourself situated, over half the air-con systems shall be faulty. Yes. How does one combat faulty air-conditioning? Wear layers! It took me until 2nd year to actually figure this little gem out. It’s quite genius really, too hot? Take off your clothes! Too cold? Throw on some more! Simples! Or, buy a car.
2.) Aromas/Musk’s. Seriously. Expect to have your nose assaulted by weird and wonderful smells. Whether it’s the girl who seems to bathe in her Coco Chanel or the particularly grubby individual that appears not to bathe at all. Its difficult not to smell these people, just like its difficult not to breath.
My advice? Acquire some clothes pegs and wear them at all times (on the bus, don’t be turning up to Campus Kitchen thinking you look awesome). Or, get a lift from a friend with a car.
3.) People, oh the wonderfully unique and deranged strangers you’ll get to meet!
Now chances are if you follow my advice on tip number 2 up there. You won’t have to worry about randomers trying to sit down next to you. Trust me no one wants to sit next to a crazy. What really grinds my gears (Thank you Peter Griffin) is when a stranger sits beside me when there are copious empty seats, at the back of the bus just longing to do their job on somebody’s bum. Generally, if a person has any decent form of manners they will ask if the seat is taken. You are then presented with two choices:
(A.) Begrudgingly say no and move ALL YOUR THINGS FROM THE SEAT, to let them sit down. Or combat butt companionship by: (B.) Simply ask them to move on down the isle as you are trying to have a private conversation with your friend Bill. Turn to the empty seat and begin to talk animatedly about a topic of your choosing. As I said before, no one wants to sit next to a crazy.
4.) Loudly over sharing. You’ll hear an awful lot of it on the bus. Personally, I do not care about what you and ‘the lads’ got up to during your summer piss up in Alicante from 6 rows back. The only time I would ever want to over hear someone’s conversation on a bus would be if (A.) They are Morgan Freeman or (B.) If they have recently met Morgan Freeman. Otherwise, just keep the noise down; some of us are hung over here.
5.) Boredom will be elongated if you are lucky enough to forget to charge your Mp3 player. It doesn’t matter what time you get the bus, the traffic will always find you. It’s one of the soul crushing things about the roads in Ireland, everyone’s allowed drive on them! If you were not emotionally scarred by the movie Speed as a child, you’ll probably be okay when the bus slows down to a crippling 5mph. If you’re still terrified by that movie and by Keanu Reeves acting in it, why on earth are you on a bus?
How does one survive boredom on the bus? Sleep; throw things at the people in front of you. Perhaps use your laptop to watch movies – nothing too raunchy now! One could read, but the hassle with this is no earphones to disconnect you from the outside world. You’re left vulnerable to curious passengers. I once spent a forty minute trip to Fermoy explaining the ins and outs of ‘The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo’ to a very elderly gentleman. You guys he was really old and quite deaf and that book is terribly complicated.
6.) Another thing you can’t avoid is those little villages/towns you forgot existed along your route. It is the most infuriating thing in the world to see the Cork city’s lights in the horizon as the bus turns off into Middleton. I’m sure it’s a lovely place and blah de blah blah, but honestly no. If you add twenty minutes onto my already two hour trip, regardless of your picturesque views, welcoming hospitality and quaint houses. I will not like you.
Want to avoid these places? The only tip I can think of is buy a car.
All in all being a student is fairly easy. And let’s face it, if getting the bus is the only major problem in your life, you should really grow a pair and stop whining. Also, you are not a gazelle so be grateful. Besides buses are like the new planes! They’re here to stay! We’ve all seen couch trip and how cool are those guys?
Kate Doran.
Americanization 